People Pleasers
- Dayna Culwell
- Jun 1
- 3 min read
Dear Yogi,
We are back in Texas after a very full week in Isla Mujeres. One of my favorite parts of teaching abroad is the opportunity to meet folks from all over. In this case, most travelers were from Texas. However, we met a few from Austria, South Korea, and Mexico. The couple from Guadalajara and I enjoyed a yoga/pilates class totally in Spanish. I was secretly thanking my friend and student Ines for practicing Spanish with me during our sessions together in Austin.
A few thoughts: While sharing a 40 minute catamaran ride, couples quickly became friends with other couples. But some seemed preoccupied or even sad. Meeting new people: what persuades people to open up? What drives a masked expression into a warm, inviting expression? Often, it’s overhearing something they said that triggers something in common. Texas? Us too. What part? Or, hablas español. Qué lindo. De dónde eres? You make friends, share memories, and hope to stay in contact. Quizas.
Back home, returning to a routine is also an experience. Thinking of the people you interact with on a regular basis, can you think of someone who seems too nice? Do you know someone you’d like to protect because they often get put down or share that they feel invisible or used?
Most of us strive to be good-natured, polite, and helpful. But do you know folks who might be people pleasers?
Londyn Miller, a New York City-based psychotherapist and adjunct professor at Pepperdine University, says that “People-pleasing can be a defense mechanism that’s rooted in fear, not altruism.” In the yogic tradition, authentic kindness is an expression of Ahimsa (non-harming)—which must include non-harming to oneself. When your actions originate from a place of empowerment and Sankalpa (true intention), they are authentic. Kindness and consideration differ from people-pleasing because you are acting out of a heart-centered choice, not an obligation that causes internal harm.
Research suggests that setting boundaries and being true to yourself can improve your mental and physical health as well as deepen your relationships.
What Does People-Pleasing Look Like?
Eleven signs of People Pleasers
They chronically and impulsively deny their own needs and wants to accommodate others.
They may say yes when they want to say no.
They don’t voice their honest opinion.
They put others’ needs before our own.
They routinely sacrifice our desires for others.
They may over-apologize
They constantly scan for others’ reactions
They feel responsible for people’s emotions
They replay conversations, wondering if they upset someone.
They have trouble setting boundaries or expressing their truth.
They may be more vulnerable to manipulation.
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